The start of something

I don't know about you but whenever I want something and can't have it I seem to see people with whatever it is everywhere, at this moment in time it happens to be babies/children......

Spring is starting to show, the almond blossoms and daises are out and I just imagined that I would be enjoying the spring of my 26th birthday with a new baby or at least pregnant but alas I am not.
I went back to my transplant pregnancy specialist 2 weeks ago, I was hoping that she would change over my transplant medication as one of the anti-rejection medications I am on causes fetal abnormalities and needs to be stopped around 3 to 6 months before you start trying for children as it takes a while for the medication to completely metabalise out of your body.
I was all full of hope and excitement as my regular renal specialist is pretty happy with how my transplant is traveling, it has now been 4 years, has had no real issues what so ever and my creatine (the junk in your blood that kidneys filter out) is currently sitting at 73 which is a normal level!!!!! 
The only real issue at this point in time is my weight, I really need to lose some kgs which slowly but surely I have been recently which is promising I just need to keep losing more weight which I am sure will continue to happen as I live a new plant based lifestyle (I say vegan and then a little voice in my head starts screaming ohhhhh Oreo's, hot chips, pringles and dark chocolate so I really need to start using the term plant based.)
Well my pregnancy specialist took one look at me as I walked through the door and proceeded to make hmmmmm sounds, I could tell straight away that I was not going to hear what I wanted too. Throughout the appointment she seemed to skate around the idea of changing my tablets over and then continued to hound the fact that Dylan should go get tested to see if he has the same genetic gene mutation that caused my kidney failure as if we both have the gene (which is highly unlikely) then there is a one in four chance that our child could also have the same illness. Therefore if we do test Dylan then we can find out for sure and if he does have it they would like us to look at embryonic testing and embryonic selection.
Now I dont want to down play my disease as it was extremely trying at times and there are things I went through that I dont wish on any one but I feel as if I have lived a pretty amazing and wonderful life, I feel that my disease has only made me a better person and I don't feel that having kidney failure has held me back from doing anything. If my parents had known that they had the gene and gone through embryonic testing then I most likely wouldn't have been born and they certainly wouldn't have had 4 children so I feel that the idea of embryonic testing makes me a hypocrite. I don't think that I would choose not to have a child with the disease (granted this is only my personal opinion, I am pro choice when it comes to anything like this) so why even bother testing Dylan, its just a bunch of money wasted.
I left the appointment feeling pretty deflated as we didn't make any changes and just re-booked another appointment with her at the end of November. It just made me feel like a failure, people I know that cant hold down jobs, still live with their parents and continue to bounce from drugged up loser to drugged up loser are having babies and here I am happily married for almost 3 years, successfully paying off our mortgage as quick as possible and working in a stable and wonderful job still not able to even think of trying. 

I felt very alone and isolated even around my family, it felt like there would be no end to this waiting.
Well after 2 days of non stop crying, moaning about the hospital taking away the joy of starting a family and generally being a depressed messed, Dylan decided that was enough and called my specialist asking him to change the tablets over that day so he could scoot down and pick them up. Of course its not that simple and I had to wait till the next Wednesday to meet with my specialist so he could tell me what side effects to look for and gave me a couple extra blood tests but then he gave me the script to change over.
I cannot believe it, I officially changed my transplant tablets over on Wednesday 3rd September! It is the first time I have actually entertained the thought of being able to really have my own babies, before it was just a far off dream that I truly believed was un-achievable. I still have to wait 3 to 6 months for the mycophenelate to leave my system but at least I have a possible time frame, I am so incredibly over the moon I hope to be posting a pregnancy announcement next year.

I am sure to post about baby stuff more, sorry in advance.

What to do now?

"Being a mother is learning about strengths you didn't know you had,

and dealing with fears you didn't know existed."

-Linda Wooten

Some women are born to have children, you know that they are and you can just tell. They have too much love to give and need more than just a husband to love, I am one of these women. I want to be a mother, I feel that this is what I have been put on this earth to do. 
Since I was around 10 years old I have had my baby names picked out, I have dreamed about my ideal number of children (3 Girls and a boy) and the amazing adventures we will take together.
I have spent hours pinning nursery idea's and top traveling with children pins just because I knew that it would be needed. I have a whole board of children's clothing idea's because I want my girls to run around in tutu's all day and my son in super hero outfits.
That was until I attended my specialist doctors appointment the other day. I have always been worried about what would happen when I started planning for a family because of my kidney transplant, I knew that it would throw a few spanners in the works but I am a happy go lucky always the optimist type of woman so I walked into that office with a beaming smile waiting for her to give us the all clear to go ahead and start trying.
If only it was that simple........
....................I found out that I would have to swap my transplant medications and because of the antibodies I already had to deal with at the time of the transplant there is a higher than normal chance of my kidney failing.
....................There is a 50% chance I could develop gestational diabetes and a 50% chance I could develop preeclampsia.
....................The baby will certainly be a preme and will be lucky to make it to around 30 weeks.
....................There is a slight chance I could pass this disease onto my baby if Dylan is also a carrier for the genetic mutation.

After finding out that a family friend recently died after his kidney transplant failed (he was mid 30's, not over weight and led a completely healthy lifestyle) it scares me to think that maybe this isn't the right thing for me.
I know that I am not eligible for adoption because of my disease so the only other real option is surrogacy but the thought of asking another woman to go through all of that just for me seems a little bit unfair, whats more I have a burning desire to carry my own child which makes me incredibly jealous of the thought of another woman carry him or her.
So what do I do now???
We have another appointment set up for August and I guess I am just holding my breath and waiting to see what the doctors say after talking to each other more in depth about things.
All I know is that I need to be a mother.