Coming off Valentine's day you can still feel the love in the air for most couples, everyone is still enjoying that special feeling that only Valentine's day can bring. Well not me! I am home alone this whole week.
My sneaky husband and his best friend got me pretty liquored up a few weekends ago before asking if Dylan could take the spare plane ticket his friend had and head over to Surfers Paradise for the week, of course in my wonderfully intoxicated state I agreed but as I later started to sober up I began to develop a bit of separation anxiety.
My husband and I have been together for around 5 years, lived together for around 4 years and been married for 3 years this November. In these past 5 years we have gone through quite a journey together with all my health issues and I have started to become heavily reliant on Dylan for any decision big or small in my life. The longest time we have spent apart since he moved in is only 2 nights and I have almost developed a phobia of being with out him.
This is all coming from a woman who before she met her husband was fiercely independent, was working full time 7 days a week, had bought her own house and was living alone, dealing with all her medical issues and certainly didn't need any man to fly in and "save her". Somewhere along the way I lost sight of who I was and became someone that I don't really want to be.
This week alone is all about reclaiming that woman I used to be and allowing myself to feel safe and secure in my own decisions and thoughts. I am currently reading Wild for the February Book Club and this book is the perfect book to read at this time because I can relate so well to the struggles that Cheryl undergoes.
I have been thinking long and hard about where I lost my kicking arse and taking names attitude and I think it was after my kidney transplant. I felt so fragile, so exhausted from fighting so hard that I just gave up and allowed Dylan to scoop in and fight my battles for me. However once he had started making all the decisions for me I somehow started to lose sight of my self worth and suddenly I wasn't a full person without him there.
That certainly was a slippery slope and once I started doubting myself I quickly lost all self identity and have been so comfortable with being cared for that I completely lost sight of the woman I was and the woman I had hoped to be one day.
During this week alone I am going to really work on self discovery and gaining back my self worth which I know will be a struggle and I am going to create daily affirmations, nightly meditation routines and diarise all my personal feelings.
Of course there are a few silly things that I am also looking forward to completing whilst Dylan is away, they include:
- I am going to stack the dishwasher the way I want, I'm going to put plates and bowls where ever I want. Who cares about maximum dishwasher layouts I am just going to throw them in.
- I am going to sleep right in the middle of the bed and snuggle in with as many pillows as I can find.
- I will put the air conditioner on so I get cold and then use extra blankets to keep me both warm and cold at the same time.
- I will explore my surroundings, I may just head down to the Saturday Markets all by myself and buy a big piece of lemon pound cake that tastes just like my wedding cake did.
- I am going to sit in the shower for as long as I want!
- I will order a horrible movie on foxtel and watch the whole thing.
- I will cook what I want when I want, hot chocolate and 3 spoonfuls of peanut butter for dinner at 10:30pm yes please.
- I will hop in to bed as soon as I get home and read till 3am in the morning because I am so engrossed in the book and don't need to worry about keeping anyone up.
- I am going to take sunset walks on the beach without whispering a word and just taking everything in.
- Saturday afternoon TV marathon I think so.
- I am going to let the cat sleep on the bed with me!!!
- I will be completely self reliant and look after the garden, the house, the dogs and the cat all without any help.
- I am going to write in my diary as much as possible and talk myself into feeling like I can do anything I put my mind to again and I don't need to rely on anyone.
- But most of all I am going to spend the week enjoying my solitude and focusing on myself.
I know it sounds a little silly and most of these things on the list are silly but these are the things I used to do before I met my husband. These are the things that made me feel safe within myself and feel like I could do anything I put my mind to, I could be the woman that I wanted to be.
I am really looking forward to this week and being self reliant yet still missing my husband and hoping he has a wonderful time away at the same time.
Have you ever felt like you lost yourself?
What did you do to reclaim who you where?
Any tips or advice?
Labels: attitude, discovery, lost, Personal Post, self worth